Allowing it to be Broken: The Most Important Step in Healing When a Relationship Ends

You’ve just gone through a painful, devastating break up. You’re probably wondering what to do. Throughout your day, you struggle with so many difficult feelings. You’re probably even wondering if you’ll ever feel good again. This is natural. Your feelings are valid and appropriate. What’s not appropriate is to get stuck here in this place of uncertainty and anxiety. You can move past these feelings by taking some proactive steps right now. The first step is to acknowledge that the breakup happened. Right now, you don’t have to resist it, deny it, or try to figure out how you’re going to fix it.

Allow the Relationship to be Broken?

At first glance, this bit of advice may sound counter-intuitive or just plain wrong. Stay with me for a moment, and try to withhold judgment. After a painful break up, the first instinct that arises for many is to try to fix the situation. All at once, you’re feeling hurt, anger, loneliness, disappointment, fear, and confusion. The confusion can be profound, and often it’s the most difficult aspect to manage. We simply don’t know what to do or how to help ourselves.

For one person, fixing the situation might translate into trying to get back together with an ex. For another person, fixing the situation might entail finding an immediate replacement or launching headfirst into an “I don’t need anybody” campaign.

The most important thing to realize is the relationship is broken. You broke up for a specific reason, or a multitude of reasons. In any case, the relationship wasn’t working. If you tried to immediately jump back into it, you would be dealing with the exact same two people with the exact same issues. Eventually, one or both of you would bring about a similar outcome.

Right now, there’s nothing to do about the relationship. Put that subject on the back burner. What you can do, is decide to embrace this moment and move forward toward your own personal growth and healing. Healing, feeling better, or moving out of the pain phase is a conscious choice. You can begin feeling better immediately, but you must choose to do so. You can choose not to indulge in negative thoughts about yourself or the situation.

Feeling better is the first step to healing. Don’t try to fix yourself or the relationship. Decide and commit only to feeling good. Fill your time with positive pursuits. Try walking, going to the gym, reading, or taking night classes. Keep moving. Take small steps that will give you immediate gratification. Accomplishing things builds self esteem. Make this your biggest priority. Start with the dishes in the sink. Make sure these steps are manageable and achievable. Don’t take on too much or set yourself up for disappointment or frustration.

Take charge of your mind and thoughts. Realize the relationship was broken and it was appropriate to break up. You can sort through the issues later when you’re feeling strong and healthy. If you feel overwhelmed at any point, reach out for help. Contact a trusted friend or counselor.
Your only job right now is to let go of all blame and take care of yourself. Decide you will work solely on feeling good, strong, and healthy.