Thinking About Getting Back Together With Your Ex?

The breakup was devastating, and you’re still reeling from the pain. You’re probably scared and a little confused. So what now? The dust has settled a bit, and you’re thinking about reaching out to your ex. You’ve taken time and reflected on the relationship. Your ex means too much to you to imagine moving forward without him or her in your life.

So what can you do? More importantly, what should you do?

First and foremost, you can’t move forward without looking at the past. Is there a central issue, or are there several issues that came between you and your partner? Done thoughtfully and correctly, rehashing the past can be a positive experience. Without blaming anyone, look at your role in the breakup. Were you behaving in ways that created tension for your partner? If so, ask yourself why. What were you gaining from this behavior? Were you avoiding something? Was there a need that you were trying to fill?

Before trying to contact your ex, think about your own role in the breakup. If you can better understand your actions and motivations, you’ll have a greater chance at establishing a meaningful dialog with your partner. The worst thing you can do right now is call your ex and tell them they need to change. The first step is taking responsibility for yourself.

What can you do differently?

If you’re even considering reconciliation, your ex probably means the world to you. So, what behaviors are you willing to work on? How can you take responsibility for your actions? How far are you willing to go? Are you willing to change your routines or patterns? Are you willing to talk to a therapist if you can’t find a solution on your own? How much are you willing to invest?

Take a moment and see your partner as they truly are.

Many times, the hardest lesson is simply accepting your partner the way he or she is. In the first year or two, after the honeymoon phase, it’s common to try to change your partner. This power struggle is common, and for many, it’s difficult to move beyond. You might think you would be perfectly happy if your partner changed a certain habit. Ask yourself what would happen if you let go of that need. What might happen if you simply accepted them the way they were? Could you be happy with this?

Learn how to forgive.

Naturally, there are probably a lot of hurtful things that were said during the breakup. To move forward, you’ll have to forgive your partner and yourself for your roles in the relationship. Forgiveness doesn’t make bad behavior ok, it just allows you the space to start over in an atmosphere of peace. Forgiveness shows your willingness to look ahead toward a stronger, healthier connection.

Be realistic.

There are no easy answers or magical solutions. Relationships can be hard work. Even the healthiest relationships go through growing pains. The key is working together. It takes two to make a relationship work. Before trying to get back with your ex, make sure you know what you’re willing and committed to doing to make things better.